One of the biggest mindset shifts our family has had to make around the holidays is rethinking surprises.
Like many parents, my wife and I once pictured Christmas morning as a moment of pure surprise. Our three kids running into the room, eyes wide, overwhelmed (in a good way) by what they saw, anxious and excited to see what treasures lied under the wrapping paper…all while we struggled to drink our first cups of coffee. But for our oldest child, Jacob, who has autism and challenges with nervous system regulation, these kinds of surprises weren’t exciting. They were overstimulating.
Before I share what has worked with our family, It’s essential to note that every child is unique. Some children love surprises. Some thrive on novelty. Others find the unknown deeply stressful. What works beautifully for one family may be dysregulating for another, and none of those experiences are wrong.
For children who experience nervous system regulation challenges, surprises can trigger anxiety rather than joy. The anticipation, the waiting, the uncertainty of what’s coming next, or the fear that expectations won’t match reality can all place extra strain on the nervous system. That stress may show up as impatience, distress, shutdowns, or emotional escalation; but those are nervous system responses, not signs of a child being spoiled or “unable to wait.”
After seeing these things first-hand, the holidays quickly went from something that excited us as parents, to something that brought us nervousness and anxiety because of what outsiders would perceive. However, once we shifted and learned more about what Jacob felt, our approach changed.
Predictability Over Surprise (For Our Family)
Instead of protecting the “magic” of surprise, we started prioritizing predictability; because that’s what our child needed.
That meant:
- Talking through some—or even all—of the gifts our child would receive
- Describing what Christmas morning would look like ahead of time
- Letting go of the assumption that surprise automatically equals joy
For our child, knowing what was coming reduced anxiety and helped them stay regulated. Sharing with him that “Grandma will have that for you” eliminated that day-of stress for him. For another child, this approach might not be necessary—or even preferred. But for us, sharing this information in advance lightened the emotional load of the holiday and made the experience more enjoyable for everyone.
The goal wasn’t to eliminate excitement, it was to create a version of the holiday that felt manageable, safe, and genuinely joyful for our child as the one experiencing it, not just for us as the ones observing it.
Setting Expectations in a Way That Fits Your Child
Another key strategy for our family has been setting clear expectations, especially because our child is also demand avoidant. For our child, demand avoidance isn’t about refusing to do things; it’s a nervous system response that makes him feel like he can’t do those things, particularly when they’re unknown. What’s next? How long will this last? What’s expected of me? These kinds of unanswered questions can be especially challenging.
That said, how expectations are set matters just as much as what is shared.
What’s helped us:
- Outlining the flow of the day in simple, concrete terms
- Talking through transitions ahead of time
- Framing plans in a way that invites understanding and buy-in rather than compliance
For other families, this might look different. Some children may prefer fewer details. Others may want visuals, written plans, or flexibility built in. There’s no universal script, only tools you can adapt based on your child’s needs.
The Takeaway
The holidays don’t have to look one specific way to be meaningful. For some families, surprise is part of the joy. For others, predictability creates the space where joy can exist at all.
For our family, letting go of surprise didn’t take away the magic, it changed what magic looked like.
And that’s the piece we keep coming back to: supporting regulation isn’t about lowering expectations or giving in, it’s about understanding what helps your child feel safe enough to engage.
About the Author:
Kevin Ruskowski serves as Vice President of Marketing at Centria Autism, where he works closely with clinical and operational leaders to support families throughout their autism journey. As a parent of a neurodivergent child, his perspective is shaped by both professional experience and lived family insight, with a particular focus on regulation, demand avoidance, and what compassionate, practical support can look like in real, everyday moments.
